I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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