I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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