I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
