I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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