If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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