just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
