he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
