Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
