Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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