so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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