OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
