I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
