Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
