there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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