omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
