roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
