Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
