He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
