Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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