My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
