I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
