There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
