I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
