Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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