I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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