I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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