Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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