So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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