You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
