Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
