You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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