i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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