that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
