If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
