he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Quick, to the slutcave!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
