I think I died a long time ago.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
