just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
