You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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