just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
