The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
