I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
