I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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