I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
