recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
