I will die if light touches me.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
