onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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