I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
