my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
