i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
