My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
