Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
